I Died a Thousand Times
by SoSweetViolentUrge
Summary: When Brooke is killed by Jimmy Edwards, Lucas is ready to do everything to bring her back to life. Is selling your soul to the Devil the best decision? // BL
1. My Bloody Hands

_**I Died a Thousand Times**_

He'd sell his soul to save Brooke Davis… literally. When he saw her lifeless in his arms, shot by Jimmy Edwards, he knew he'd do anything to pour life into her cells. Even if that meant to deal with the Devil. Mainly _BL_. Told from Lucas' point of view.

Enjoy, R&R

* * *

_Chapter 1_

_My Bloody Hands_

She kept bleeding strenuously in my arms and I kept pressing my fingers against her cold flesh insanely, probably leaving reddish marks on her skin as if I wanted to grip at death, to follow her. Now she was only the shell of what I had known, but I still loved her. Watching her, I knew I adored the faded lineament she had become.

And I heard how God laughed at me, made fun of my powerlessness. Maybe a picture of me – with puffy bloodshot eyes and shaking hands, on my knees begging him to give her back to me – had popped up in His head.

But I didn't plead, didn't shout; I didn't even have the strength to utter a word.

My body had become numb with hopelessness, or maybe with the posture I had held for awhile. Only my fingers were still clinging to her dead body, like I believed that my touch could bring her back to life.

Unfortunately, a magician wasn't on my characteristics list. Her blood kept dripping onto my wrists.

I closed my eyes for a split second. I saw many pictures, my life rolled in my head like a film reel as if I was dying. Remembering the images, it was crystal clear to me that I had died a thousand times.

The moments of my life were repeating in my mind, faded and blurry, and I knew that none of them was _her_. I remembered how Peyton looked when her car broke down, I remembered the moment I defeated my brother in that legendary match of ours. I wouldn't trade this for anything in this world because at that time she had been still alive, fun, evil, unique. It didn't matter that I had always belonged to someone else, the fact that _she _existed gave me hope.

I didn't want to open my eyes because her blood still didn't grow cold in my imagination, but I did. The same weakness that had paralyzed my veins dominated over my pathetic self again.

I looked away from her pale face and the crystals from the broken window shined around me. With shaky hands, I tried to wipe the blood away, but I failed. Maybe I didn't want to succeed.

I remained prostrate next to her body, grieving for her soul, while her blood was forming a lake around us. I wanted to switch places with her; at least I wouldn't have felt anything, I would've saved myself from the pain that was corroding my body like sulphur.

The world wasn't going to be better or safer. The sun disappeared.

My personal sun. Brooke Davis.

I craved to see her green eyes once again, but her eyelids would tenaciously forbid it. She didn't smile either because a jet of blood escaped from her lips, forming a little fall between her chin and her neck.

A God who allowed this wasn't much of a God. And I cursed Him for dragging her away from me.

Silence enveloped the famous Tree Hill High. It looked abandoned as if a new unknown disease had spread. I didn't know where the shooter was, but it seemed that there was nobody around. It was only me and the dead body I was holding loosely in my arms. The sound of her blood dripping onto the floor could be heard clearly.

If you had taken a look around the school's region, you would've seen many things – my dad was probably outside – the _mayor_ pretending to cope with the situation; my mom was also there, cursing my lack of reason. My bother was somewhere in the building - out of his mind, looking for his wife. In the middle of a sea made by crystals of glass, Brooke Davis' body was lying. The guy who was frantically pulling her closer to him, pain and insanity on his face, was most likely me.

I looked defeated and mad at the same time. My heavy eyelids hurt, fury and weakness were stuck into my face. I was rocking back and forth like sick, my eyes were following carefully the blood that was coming out of her.

Suddenly, footsteps echoed in the corridor. I lifted my head and saw the faded nondescript silhouette of a girl running to me.

Her hair was disheveled and was sticking up from everywhere. The image of her pain and weakness was drawn on her face. Apparently, she couldn't stand on her feet, so her movement looked a little bit clumsy and difficult.

The girl ran up to me and stopped for a second. She could barely take a breath. She was so scared that she didn't notice Brooke's dead shell I was holding. The girl was staring at me with fear; she expected me to help her, but I remained fallen on the ground powerlessly and inadequately.

She tugged a lock of her hair behind her ear and whispered, "It's Jimmy Edwards."

Her voice echoed in my head and pierced my brain even though the words were uttered inaudibly.

When she saw the corpse in my arms, her eyes widened. She covered her lips with her fingers and stepped back.

"Go get some help," I ordered weakly. I knew there wasn't a significant use of help in this case.

She began running even faster and let me tell you, I bet she had no idea where she was going.

Already lost my battle, I looked down at Brooke once again. I didn't care I wasn't the hero; I just wanted to see her green eyes.

I stretched my thumb to wipe the blood that was escaping from her mouth. I tried, but it was stronger than me. The touch of her skin hurt.

When my shirt collided with my back, I felt the cold sweat that had broken out there.

I soon felt two singers tapping my right shoulder. They were hotter than my cold skin. Of course, I didn't know anything then. At all.

* * *

_There's the first chapter. It kind of sucked, but I'll try my best to make the story better.  
_

_Enjoy and review!  
_


	2. Dance with the Devil

_Thank you for the reviews!_

_Enjoy, R & R  
_

_

* * *

__**Chapter 2**_

_**Dance with the Devil**_

I thought there was nobody in the building. If there had been someone, I would have brought Brooke's corpse outside. So when I felt the two hot fingers on my shoulder, I turned to see who was interrupting my pathetic sorrow.

And when I saw, I blinked a couple of times to reassure myself that what was standing in front of me was real.

I thought I was staring at the Devil. My body remained paralyzed; a tear ran down my face.

The creature in front of me had red mucous skin. It was middle-sized and emaciated. The last I assumed by the fact that the black suit it was wearing looked two sizes bigger. Despite the clothes, the thing was barefoot. When he was walking on the pieces of the window, the glass was melting under its feet. There were two white horns on its head; its tail was crawling behind it.

The more I was looking, the more I was convincing myself I was standing in front of the Devil. Not a very emollient enlightenment.

He squatted next to Brooke, dipped his finger in the puddle of blood and licked it with pleasure.

My eyes were fixed on him as if I had become a statue. And my body had frozen like one, but my heart was beating so fast that I felt it shoving at my ribcage.

"You'll give yourself a heart attack and ruin my vacation, Luke," he finally said, his tone benumbing, and laughed demonically.

"You're-" I started.

"The Devil?" He finished for me and rose to his feet briskly. "Yes, in his whole greatness," he said and smoothed over his suit.

"Why are you here?" I asked more confidently.

"I heard you curse the boss." He pointed the ceiling with his finger. "Well, he's too busy to receive honey up there, so I'm what you get here to help you. Or offer a deal, to be more precise."

You'll say I was crazy. Maybe. People say that sometimes brave and crazy are the same thing, but I replace the first with the word 'desperate'. So when I heard about help – it sounded paradoxically from the Devil - I was all years.

"What kind of help?" I couldn't stop with my questions. I don't think he bought it much.

"What kind of help you need the most now, handsome boy?" He gazed at me with his yellow eyes and pointed at the body I was holding. "You know, I'm not _that_ bad. Actually, the big boss is pathetic compared to me. Well, in the end of the day, I'm the one who can bring people to life."

I heard only his last words.

"You can?" I felt hope glittering in my eyes.

He saw this and his face covered with mockery over my naiveté and powerlessness. But I didn't care now. He was right – unlike God, the Devil was with me and knew what I craved for.

Yeah, 'crazy' and 'desperate' are synonyms sometimes.

"Yeah, I'll turn back time. It's the bigger fun, you know. I'm giving you a choice, Lucas Scott."

"This was what Lestat was sayin'." I muttered under my breath.

"Oh, Lestat! Always misunderstood. Great performance by Tom Cruise, by the way," the demon replied and rubbed the back of his head. "Anyway, let's not dig into this. I'm offering a deal here. I can turn back time. Let's say you'll have thirty days. Jimmy will freak out again, I won't change this part. The kid is fun. But instead of Brooke, he'll kill you. And then your soul will be mine until the end of eternity," he explained calmly and folded his arms across his chest, waiting for my answer.

I looked at now Brooke, now him.

"And she'll live?" I uttered.

"Yes, I'll make sure nothing bad happens to her anymore. You know I'm responsible for shit," he answered sincerely, without any tint of sarcasm in his creepy voice.

"You've got a deal," I said confidently. I had never been more certain about anything in my life.

"Great!" The Devil clasped his hands together when he heard my answer. "When I leave, you'll feel dizzy. Don't worry; you'll have a black-out. When you come to yourself again, you'll experience the magic of time traveling."

I nodded.

"Oh, I forgot to mention – everyone will hate Lucas Scott."

Before I could answer, I heard his demonic laughter echo in my head. He clicked his fingers and transformed into grey hot fog.

And just like he said, I felt dizzy, so I looked down at Brooke. She was the only thing I wanted to see.

When I had enough of adoring her, I shut my eyes. I felt bad; it was like my brain was pressuring my skull.

I didn't ask myself if it was worth it. It _was_.

I soon felt how Brooke slipped out of my fingers. I couldn't control my body anymore.

There was only darkness in front of me. No path, no way out.

**xxx**

When the sun flashed in my eyes, I grumbled and blinked a few times.

The first thing I did was to check out my hands. There was no sign of blood. I sighed with relief.

Apparently, everything was a dream.

I slowly rose up and sat. A piece of paper with burnt edges appeared in my range of vision.

I narrowed my eyes slightly and got up to see what it was.

"30 days," I read in whisper what was written on the note.

Today was the beginning of the end.

**xxx**

The steps my bare feet took were muffled by the sound of the creaking of the floor-boards.

When I arrived in the kitchen, I saw my mother cooking intensely pancakes, fried eggs and bacon.

Didn't she know I had a problem with my heart? Or that was the hatred the Devil had mentioned?

"Morning, mom. Are you trying to kill me with this breakfast?"

"Why?" she asked innocently. Her eyes bored into mine.

"You know, I'll skip it today. I'll go to the River Court."

"Okay." She sighed sadly. "You know, I miss the time when you used to spend more time with your mother."

I enjoyed every step I took to the River Court. I mean, those were my last thirty days on Earth.

* * *

_Next chapter: _Lucas is adjusting to the new world, where he barely has any friends. How does Brooke feel about him?


	3. Day 30: Stranger in a Strange Land

_**Chapter 3**_

_**Day 30: Stranger in a Strange Land**_

I hadn't played for my own pleasure for ages. I was so used to the pressure that Ravens had to win, to Whitey's yelling that I had forgotten the real reason why I loved basketball. I felt so light and carefree at River Court. It had been me, my people and the hoop. There had been no title, no arguments; it had been pretty simple.

Now I noticed a difference – when I stepped there, I felt like walking on a battlefield. It seemed that I was the enemy. Mouth was the only one who was looking at me with sympathy in their eyes.

"Well, well, if we knew we'd get visited by a superstar, we'd take our tuxes." Skills muttered sarcastically and turned his back at me.

"Come and site, Luke." Marvin invited me by patting the old wooden bench. I wasn't sure if he wanted me there or he just wanted to be polite.

"Don't let him think he's welcome here." Skills hissed. "He's been going after chicks all year. And when he became a 'star' he didn't even pay us a visit."

"Mouth also became popular." I justified myself and after pointing at Marvin, I comfortably pushed my hands into the pockets of my dark faded jeans.

"Yes, but unlike some, he's here with us, isn't he?" Junk uttered bitterly and shrugged.

"I guess I deserve that. But can I play with you?"

"Look, Scott, you're our friend. Of course we'll forgive you one day. But for now, don't come here, please. Don't waste your opportunities," Skills said.

I looked at everyone with the hope that someone wouldn't agree with him. They were gazing at me with sympathy, but their face expressions were also in unison with Skills' words.

I turned on my heel slowly and without saying 'Goodbye', I started to walk. My shadow was far behind me as if it didn't want to leave the place where I had been the happiest guy on Earth. My frame was wrapped by the rising sun, which was painting the sky with red and orange colors. I looked up and enjoyed it, although I preferred the sunset, when the sky was tinted with pink, purple and dark blue shades.

The sky was so clear – there weren't even small fluffy clouds. Everything made sense to me. I now realize that death is truly sobering. I could hear the birds clearer, I loved my life more than before.

**Xxx**

I swear that when I entered the school that day, I heard my steps echo in the corridor. I saw Jimmy Edwards closing his locker with shaking hands. Then he pushed his glasses onto the bridge of his nose and clutched his books. When he got a couple of pushes by the athletes, he set out for his lesson.

If I had not known what he'd eventually do, I would have felt sorry for him. We had been great friends. But we all changed; only Jimmy remained the same – he was looking the world with despise and bitterness. That was going to lead him to a madness, which I don't wish to anyone of you.

I perfectly knew what I was going to say to him, when his and mine time would come, but I don't want to lose your attention.

I stopped by my locker to take some of the books I needed when I saw HER. Brooke was sporting her hair down; her dark locks were bumping along her shoulders. Her smile shined like a lake, covered with sunlight. I just stood there, staring at her like witless and I was 100 % sure that even if I had had a thousand lives, I would've given them for her. I don't remember what was she wearing that day, for which I hope I'll be forgiven, but believe me, I remember everything about her.

I also remember the way she looked at me. Her eyes were full of pain, anger, weakness and despise. I wasn't mad at her though. Not for a second. I deserved it and I hoped that the kind gesture of giving my life up for her was going to make her forgive me somehow.

My Brooke was with Peyton, but I didn't pay much attention to Goldilocks. I was fascinated by the brunette next to her. Miss Davis' body trembled when she felt my eyes studying her. She was irritated that I still had that effect on her.

"Hey, Lucas!" she greeted me dryly.

"Brooke. Peyton." I nodded at them successively. Peyton greeted me warmly. I didn't care.

"You know Brooke, I'm late for English. See ya later," said Goldilocks, winked at me and quickly disappeared.

"How are you, Lucas?" Brooke asked me, much to my surprise. I expected her to look at me with anger in her green eyes and follow her friend.

"Do you actually care?" I replied, trying to hide the light in my blue eyes.

"No, I was just trying to be nice," said she arrogantly and offered a pose that matched with her arrogance. Apparently, she had decided to play hard.

"Well, then I'm better than ever," I finally answered and grinned widely. I knew that was going to drive her crazy.

Brooke grimaced and said, "Too bad."

Then she passed by me.

I grabbed her by the elbow, leaned down to her ear and whispered, "The game will be over eventually, Brooke Davis. I'm your guy, you'll see it."

Her body shook in anger. I smiled at her softly. That shield she was herself with was strangely charming. And for a second I returned to the simple human life. I forgot I was dying soon, I forgot the pain that was torturing me. Even for a split second, it was only me and Brooke. My mind was so infatuated by her that the world just stopped turning.

**Xxx**

I hadn't seen Nathan for a very long time. Actually, I wasn't pretty sure about it with this whole time thing. But what I did know was that he was training like a freak. He didn't want to disappoint Whitey and the opportunity to be better than Dan was always a good stimulus. So when I decided to look for him, the first place I checked was the school's court.

Bingo!

My little brother was absorbed by his occupation. He was wetter than a river, determination was shining in his eyes, his arms kept scoring.

"Don't you ever get tired?" I asked timidly. I didn't know if he hated me too.

"Well, someone has to put some effort here, right?" my brother replied and turned to me. I judged by his wide smile that he didn't hate me at all. It was a relief.

"Don't rush the old man, brother!" I justified myself.

"I'm just wondering how long you're going to use this as an excuse." Nathan smiled at me.

"I'm dying, Nate." I admitted simply.

"What?" My little brother froze. "Is it something with your heart?"

"Yes and no," I answered. I didn't have the right moves to tell Nathan I had made a deal with the Devil. It would sound crazy, even though it was the truth.

My brother's confused face expression showed me that I had to explain my answer better.

"I can't really explain it to you, man. It will sound crazy," I said and shrugged.

"Dude, we're brothers. You owe me an explanation. And plus, we all know you're not exactly normal." Nate patted me on my shoulder, encouraging me to keep going.

And I did…

"It's stronger than me; than all of us. Look, you know Jimmy Edwards, right?" Nate nodded." He'll shoot at school. He'll kill someone."

"How do you know?"

"I was there. I was insanely rocking back and forth over this dead body. He killed Brooke, Nate. But I made a deal and she'll stay alive, unlike me."

"What kind of deal?" The questions kept pouring. I understood Nathan. I must have shocked him.

"With something greater than me."

"God?" Nate asked me, almost laughing at me.

"No. The Devil. He turned back time. He promised Brooke would be okay. But in return, I should go with him down there and spend the rest of eternity in hell."

Nate remained frozen and staring at me. His eyes and body language didn't speak for anything. Only the fact that he didn't move told me that he couldn't believe what he had just heard.

"Dude, this sounds…"

"Insane, I know. But you have to believe me."

"So instead of Brooke, he's gonna kill you."

I nodded.

"You love her that much?"

"You love Haley _that_ much?" I compared my love to the love Nate and Hales shared, but there wasn't any reason for that. My love for Brooke was stronger. It knew no time limits.

"And Haley-"

"You'll both be okay. Don't worry." Actually, I didn't know for sure, but there was a part of me who told me Nate would take care of Haley.

My little brother nodded.

"Sounds illogical, huh? You must think I'm out of my mind."

"It's crazy, dude. But if this is your madness, I'm going to believe you. Now let's play, old man. You aren't dying of heart issues anyway."

And I played. I had always been me and my brother. There were no playoffs; just Lucas and Nathan Scott. I appreciated that moment.

Suddenly, my brother stopped and said, "What if this shit is true? What am I going to do without you? What are we all going to do? You're always saving us?"

"Don't worry, little brother! I'll always be with you." I offered him a weak soft smile.

* * *

_**Next chapter: **_Peyton has a dream about Lucas' destiny, so she insists on helping him with Brooke. What will Miss Davis do?


	4. Someone Who Cares

_**Chapter 4**_

_**Day 2: Someone Who Cares**_

The second day of my last thirty started with a violent knocking on the door. I opened my eyes and with a frown on my face, rubbing my eyes, went to see who was interrupting my idyll.

Seconds later, I gazed down at Peyton's little frame that was standing at my door. Her eyes were wetter than they should've been, her curls were trembling and her arms were tightly placed on the sides of her body.

"Peyton, what happened?" I asked with sympathy when I collected some impressions of her appearance.

"I need to talk to you," she spoke quietly as if she had no strength to talk.

I quickly stepped aside and motioned at Blondie to come in. I was worried about her; Peyton looked quite pale.

"I had this dream last night…" Her voice sounded hoarse. "I was at school; there was no one around. Then I saw you rocking back and forth, holding someone and you were surrounded by puddles of blood. Then I woke up."

My pathetic little self was stunned by the information she'd just shared, but despite the stiffness I felt thankfully to her psychic abilities, I tried to hold myself together.

"And your point is?" I asked with the most indifferent tone I could produce at that moment.

"Are you dying, Luke?" Goldilocks whispered weakly, a shiny tear ran down her pretty face.

"As a matter of fact – yes I _am _dying," I answered simply.

Her eyes widened, "And you just blurted it out like it's something unimportant?" She at first yelled at me, but she then lowered her voice. "Is it your heart?"

"No, Peyton. I can't tell you the reason, but I can assure you that I won't be here after a month." I rested my hands on her tiny shoulders.

"I'm gonna help you," she claimed as if she wanted me to believe her; her eyes still in tears. Her whole body was shaking, but Blondie was determined.

"You can't help me, Peyton," I heard myself speaking with a soft voice, "this is stronger than all of us."

"No, I'm gonna help you with Brooke," Goldilocks explained and stepped back to get a rid of my touch. She knew I was aware of her vulnerability.

"Don't do that!" I placed my hand in the cool air of my room. "She doesn't need to suffer. I won't die in peace, if she falls in love with me again only to lose me. Brooke doesn't deserve this pain."

"Brooke has always loved you, Lucas. And she always will. She just needs some push to admit it."

"Peyton, I'm going to say this once again – don't. We've made Brooke's life so miserable; we need to learn how to stop doing it."

Blondie just pushed me out of her way and headed to the door.

She turned her head back at me and spoke, "I'm doing it with or without your permission."

I merely nodded. "But please, don't tell her that I'll die. No sympathy dates needed."

She nodded, her curls bouncing in unison with the move, and quickly exited.

**xxx**

Mom was surprisingly quiet that evening. She just kept taking bites of her dinner; she occasionally uttered a couple of words when she needed me to hand something to her.

I was following carefully her calm, undisturbed movements, trying to memorize her that way. She seemed so careless, that I wished she could've stayed that way forever. I suddenly became concerned about my mother's future. I didn't want to leave her. Yes, Uncle Keith would take good care of her, but I needed to know she'd be okay. Not that she had not been able to raise a child all by herself, but she _had _to behappy. For both of us.

"Mom," I finally spoke softly, "if you could go back in time to the moment you had been told you had been pregnant, would you change your decision?"

My mother lifted her head and smiled widely. "What kind of a question is this, Lucas Scott?"

I remained with a serious face expression, so she decided to answer my question.

"I've never regretted for having you in my life, Lucas. Not even for a second. You are the best thing I've ever made." She put her hand over mine and offered me another mile-wide smile. "And I'm repeating – what kind of a question is this?"

"Oh, you know me, it's just…" I paused for a second, trying to figure out an answer." I want to know if there's something I could change."

"Don't worry, you are perfect just the way you are." Mom winked at me. "Although I wouldn't refuse some help with the dishes more often."

I let out a small laugh. "Okay, I can start from tonight."


	5. Day 26: Final Words

_This took long enough! To be honest, I still don't know how to continue this story, although I know exactly how it is going to end. But I'll try to figure it out. You'll be disappointed by the boring and short chapter, but at least it's something, right? Anyway, enjoy! _

* * *

_**Chapter 5**_

_**Day 26: Final Words**_

When I woke up that morning, I knew what I had to do.

I wasn't going to leave anything significant behind me. I'd never become a writer or see my brother become the NBA superstar he wanted to be. I'd never see Peyton happy or kiss Brooke for the last time.

But there was something I could do – to leave a little speech for my mom. I knew it'd be killing her in the nights when she would blame herself for creating a wannabe hero, who killed himself while pretending to be Superman during a shooting. But I felt, however, that she had to know how much I loved her because I was too proud and embarrassed to say it more often.

I really can't say I had any luck with Brooke so far, but I also can't say I lost my time. I invited myself to play with the boys. Jimmy wasn't there. Oh, that bastard! I was dying because of him. I'd miss Skills' jokes, Mouth's wit and my brother's wide grin, making me go for one more game. Who knew what was waiting for me down there. I only knew I was going to see everyone who has ruled countless helpless souls. You know, those who had enough money for wars, but not enough to feed the hungry around the world.

I wanted to talk more to Haley, but she was too busy winning my brother's heart back, so I didn't want to be a burden. Don't get me wrong, I love my little brother Nathan, but I've known Haley my whole life and she was the second person – after my mom, of course – that I didn't want to leave.

* * *

When I entered the kitchen that morning, my mom lifted her head, her eyes landed on me and she smiled.

"Good morning, honey," she spoke and pointed at the chair, "We have cornflakes, milk, juice, fruits… Pick whatever you want."

I nodded with a smile and served myself some cornflakes. While reaching for the milk, I stopped for a moment to see my mom's porcelain skin, lit by the sunshine.

And then it hit me – I had to be insane to leave my mother, who had sacrificed everything for me, my friends and dreams just to save a girl that didn't want anything from me.

"What are you planning on doing today?" mom asked. I was completely aware that I had been answering her questions with half of my mouth and she wanted to be a bigger part of my life.

"I have this history homework for Monday, then I'll go to play some basketball and then I think I'll help you in the café. Also, a few friends invited me to go to Tric with them tonight."

My mother nodded with a smile. She probably was pretty surprised that I had included her in my plans.

"I'd be happy to use my son's help," she replied calmly and took the last sip of her coffee. Then she got up. "If I mosey along any longer, I will be late. Would you please clean up when you're done?"

"Sure." I nodded.

* * *

As soon as I heard the front door closing, I ran to my room. Cleaning could wait.

I was surprised to notice that my hands weren't shaking while I was adjusting the camera. I was most likely not very aware of what time actually meant for me at that moment. I took a breath and tried to start. My thoughts were racing, my throat was dry.

But I started.

"_Hello, mom. I'll be gone by the time you see this. Don't ask yourself how the hell I know because this isn't going to change anything. I didn't…"_

I felt a gigantic limp forming in my throat. I wanted to continue, but I couldn't manage to say a word.

This is why I stopped recording.

I couldn't inhale. I wanted to talk, to cry, but I felt as if something was restraining me from doing so. Words and tears wanted to come out, but my body refused to let them go. It caused physical pain.

I remained numb for a few minutes. Finally, I decided it was childish to act like such a coward. I had already accepted the deal and it was too late to back off.

I finally managed to take a deep breath and turned the camera on.

"_I didn't want things to go this way, but there's no other choice right now. Hopefully, you'll be able to forgive me for the way I'm going to make you feel. Maybe I'll miss many people and many people will miss me, but my biggest concern is how I'm going to leave YOU. I know, you have Uncle Keith, but still…_

_Maybe you hate yourself for bringing me up this way, but I wouldn't be anyone else. You taught me everything – to respect women and to know that the most important thing in this life is to be important for the people around you. Thank you for supporting me unquestioningly, even though some of my plans may have seemed stupid to you. _

_I didn't have a long life, but I'm happy with the way it was. I saw so many things, flew high, went low, felt strong hatred and even stronger love._

_But it all doesn't matter now, does it? I'm not leaving anything significant behind me, so you, Uncle Keith and Haley will be the only people mourning over me. I wish I did great things, but I've made my choice and I'm going to face the consequences. _

_Tell Haley to forget how angry my brother was because he loves her and thn'is is what all that matters. Tell Nate that I wish I lived longer to make up for the time we missed. And tell Brooke she better conquer the world or I'll come back as a ghost to chase her." _I laughed nervously. "_I'm afraid that if I continue, we'll both whimper. I love you, mom. And I really am sorry for not saying it more often."_

My legs felt like rocks while I was taking steps to approach the camera. I realized that I really _was _dying. That note from the Devil was nothing compared to this. When you plan your last words to someone, it hits you that the show is about to end.

Somehow, I reached a chair and literally collapsed on it. I rested my elbows on my knees and cupped my head in my hands. I had had my panic moments, but never true realization.

I caught myself thinking selfishly.

_What if I don't go to school and just stay at home for the rest of my life?_

Brooke would die again. Could I live with the thought that I had killed her… twice? Of course I couldn't.

_What if the Devil kills someone else – mom, Keith, Nathan, Haley?_

I would never be able to live with this either. People make decisions and they have to face the consequences from these decisions bravely. I had to put myself together.

I managed to calm down and go to the kitchen to clean up.


End file.
